Christinas4’s Weblog

{May 7, 2010}   TV TIME

Crap you think you don’t need.

I once again sacrificed my own sleep to bring you the finest products known to humans and possibly those not of this world. If you are not of this world than, Welcome or, ggjsdagjojafndfsoghaj. That’s alien talk which leads us to your first product.

If there are aliens amoung us than most likely, THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU. I bet you all had no idea as you go through your sad little lives not knowing how close to death you are. It’s like that movie Final Destination, but for realsies. Everything around you wants you to f’ing DIE already. You goto open your favorite bill and ooops, YOUR DEAD. 

Seriously, this book will save your life when you didn’t even know your toaster wants to burn you alive. Beware.

OMG, I’m tired of using the same type of Snuggi the poor people use. Do you know who the fark 2000 I am? No, you don’t? It doesn’t matter because I am a legend in my own mind and I would not even fart in your cheap ass slanket type thing.

What? You finally have a blanket for couch dwellers that is also stylish? I could just lay around naked in my Snuggie eating hot pockets and never wear clothes again? Tell me more.

This is a product men have been getting for Father’s Day’s since the beginning of time. I’m sure in the year 001 some kid wrapped some Old Spice up in goat skin for his father. No need to Google that as I’m telling you it’s fact. As a matter of fact this whole commercial is filled with facts that are all truth. No fake facts here. And I also prefer my man not to smell like ladies body washes so make that one bajillion and one.

There’s nothing worse than driving around knowing that your seatbelt wants nothing more than to chop your head off. See the first infomercial. Now put those worries aside and let this furry little creature save your life. His only payment is letting him snuggle close to your lady lumps.

Sure it may feel weird and wrong to let this little guy go to funky town all over your chesticles. But the alternative is much worse. No head. Never forget everything wants to kill you. So what’s a pervy little bear compared to losing an arm or worse. And let your man know Tiddy is totally cool with rubbing down the fellas.

Hello, Slender Shaper. Basically you strap this vibrating contraption on and it exercises for you. You can even drink your wine while watching the newest Bale movie and enjoy the ride. I reccomend Public Enemy and then you can enjoy Depp and Bale. And when you add the wine and vibrating strappy thing that just =party. You know because you’ll be so skinny when your done. That’s why and no other reason. Gahhhhh, grow up people. This is all scientific and shit.

This is for all the mouth breathers, you know who you are. I get it that you can’t breath with your mouth closed for some reason. Something must be wrong with your schnoze and you might want to get that checked out as well. But, in the meantime we still have to take your breath face on.

Do you know how hard it is to breathe, talk, and not smell all at the same time? They do not teach that skill in school. If you happen to be a mouth breather and insist on eating onions and what not at lunch than make sure and clean up your oral areas.

And if you are interested you can find some of these products at I hope I helped you with your shopping needs and Mother’s Day is only a  few days away. Enjoy


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