I wish I could spend all day drinking pinot and making fake music videos. But, noooooo, I can’t because I did than who would make meals and clean dirty ass underwear? Nobody, that’s who. Suck fake housewives. I dare any of those self important bitches to spend a day in mine or any other mothers shoes. They would lose their minds and run the hell away. I would spell check this nonsense but I have four kids who want to eat dinner and other than Chef Boyardee, I’m the only one cooking dinner in this casa. I can’t be tardy for this party.

Giving your gay director a dirty lap dance is just not right. There’s plenty of time to give lap dances to men. And there is really no need to simulate lap dances on a chair. You have your whole life ahead of you to be a hussy. You kind of look constipated so maybe I’m reading too much into it and you just need some special yogurt. If that’s the case then please accept my apologies and let me reccommend some metamucil.

Regardless, this picture is forever and you’ll have to explain it till you die. That’s the thing with this crazy interwebs. You can never take any of it back . I for one am grateful we didn’t have all this cool technology back in my day or I would be living in a cave. But I was at least of legal age.

Let’s all quit this shit. I’m tired of sex tapes and sexy time pictures. Pleeeeeease! It was ok a few years ago but now everyone has a video or nekkid pictures. It’s boring and since you are young it’s creeping me out.

Daily Bale

I’m going with him today because I love that he is scared of ostritches.

“They would say, ‘Don’t make any noise around the ostriches. They’ll tear out your eyes and rip out your heart.’ So, I was naturally terrified,” he tells People.com.

Read more: http://www.azcentral.com/ent/celeb/articles/2010/05/11/20100511people-jake-gyllenhaal-terrified-ostriches.html#ixzz0nfajl4OQ

Apparently there was a recent verbal beat down between Avril and Lindsay at Chateau Marmont. I guess that’s her home as much as a hotel can be.

“Word is, the epic battle took place at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont, Lindsay’s home away from home, and it began with a simple salutation.

“Avril was at a table with friends just over a week ago including her boyfriend, Brody Jenner, when Lindsay came over to say hi,” an eyewitness tells the New York Post. “But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said, ‘Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don’t like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.’”

The insults apparently sent the functionally-challenged

LiLo into a rage blackout.

“Lindsay was furious and screamed back, ‘Don’t threaten me!’ She then stormed off to security and tried to get them to kick Avril out,” recounts the spy. “They refused to force Avril to leave. Lindsay eventually stormed off.”

Guess the Chateau realizes which one of them is more likely to make good on her bill.”

Let me give you some words of wisdom. Daddy is never coming to save you, mine didn’t but I turned out ok (I think). Mommy and daddy are wrapped up in their own drama. There is no knight in shinning armor. Do you ever look back at  your career and wonder, “What happened to all those movie offers?” If not then you should.

I feel super bad that you got pwned by frigging Avril. Seriously? My 5 year old is more punk than that poser. She probably thinks the Sex Pistols are some kind of water gun. You are better than that. Or at least you were. Are you still somewhere in there? Let me know if you are.

I once again sacrificed my own sleep to bring you the finest products known to humans and possibly those not of this world. If you are not of this world than, Welcome or, ggjsdagjojafndfsoghaj. That’s alien talk which leads us to your first product.

If there are aliens amoung us than most likely, THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU. I bet you all had no idea as you go through your sad little lives not knowing how close to death you are. It’s like that movie Final Destination, but for realsies. Everything around you wants you to f’ing DIE already. You goto open your favorite bill and ooops, YOUR DEAD. 

Seriously, this book will save your life when you didn’t even know your toaster wants to burn you alive. Beware.

OMG, I’m tired of using the same type of Snuggi the poor people use. Do you know who the fark 2000 I am? No, you don’t? It doesn’t matter because I am a legend in my own mind and I would not even fart in your cheap ass slanket type thing.

What? You finally have a blanket for couch dwellers that is also stylish? I could just lay around naked in my Snuggie eating hot pockets and never wear clothes again? Tell me more.

This is a product men have been getting for Father’s Day’s since the beginning of time. I’m sure in the year 001 some kid wrapped some Old Spice up in goat skin for his father. No need to Google that as I’m telling you it’s fact. As a matter of fact this whole commercial is filled with facts that are all truth. No fake facts here. And I also prefer my man not to smell like ladies body washes so make that one bajillion and one.

There’s nothing worse than driving around knowing that your seatbelt wants nothing more than to chop your head off. See the first infomercial. Now put those worries aside and let this furry little creature save your life. His only payment is letting him snuggle close to your lady lumps.

Sure it may feel weird and wrong to let this little guy go to funky town all over your chesticles. But the alternative is much worse. No head. Never forget everything wants to kill you. So what’s a pervy little bear compared to losing an arm or worse. And let your man know Tiddy is totally cool with rubbing down the fellas.

Hello, Slender Shaper. Basically you strap this vibrating contraption on and it exercises for you. You can even drink your wine while watching the newest Bale movie and enjoy the ride. I reccomend Public Enemy and then you can enjoy Depp and Bale. And when you add the wine and vibrating strappy thing that just =party. You know because you’ll be so skinny when your done. That’s why and no other reason. Gahhhhh, grow up people. This is all scientific and shit.

This is for all the mouth breathers, you know who you are. I get it that you can’t breath with your mouth closed for some reason. Something must be wrong with your schnoze and you might want to get that checked out as well. But, in the meantime we still have to take your breath face on.

Do you know how hard it is to breathe, talk, and not smell all at the same time? They do not teach that skill in school. If you happen to be a mouth breather and insist on eating onions and what not at lunch than make sure and clean up your oral areas.

And if you are interested you can find some of these products at www.asseenontv.com I hope I helped you with your shopping needs and Mother’s Day is only a  few days away. Enjoy

When you decide to be a hate monger. Try not to hate too loudly on the thing you secretly monger.

From, Towerload

Rent Boy “Lucien” (whom the Advocate identified as Jo-Vanni Roman) tells the Miami New Times all about his trip with anti-gay Christian right leader George Alan Rekers:

The male escort hired by anti-gay activist George Alan Rekers has told Miami New Times that the Baptist minister is a homosexual who paid him to provide body rubs, once a day, in the nude, during their ten-day vacation in Europe.

Rekers allegedly named his favorite maneuver the “long stroke” — a complicated caress “across his penis, thigh… and his anus over the butt cheeks,” as the escort puts it. “Rekers liked to be rubbed down there,” he says.

The paper adds: “Although Rekers does have physical ailments that make it difficult for him to haul suitcases, Lucien wasn’t hired to carry luggage on their European vacation, the escort says. ‘It’s a situation where he’s going against homosexuality when he is a homosexual,’ Lucien says. Lucien was interviewed late last night in the Fort Lauderdale house where he was laying low for the evening. The townhome he rents in a west Miami suburb has been inundated by uninvited guests since his identity was revealed by a blogger on Gawker shortly after the story broke.”

Rekers, we remind you, was the state of Florida’s star witness in support of the ban on gay adoption. For his testimony he and a colleague were paid $87,000. 

This is what’s known as being a hypocrite as well as being a tremendous asshat. But I’m also sitting here as a boring ole straight person so I have no clue what it’s like to deal with sexual confusion or self hate. I’ve dated a gay man or two in my life and apparently everybody seemed to know it but me. I’m always late to the party. But he took money to ban gay couples from adopting and then hires young men with that money to stroke him, really? It’s always the super straight conservative guys. Now what do I tell my daughter when she starts to date? Watch out for those fake straight guys who spend too much time in public bathrooms or hire bag carriers. Isn’t that what bell boys are for?

Watching old videos semi famous people want to forget they made.

First up is the guy who made a whole nation think, “Whoa”. Remember when Joey Lawrence tried to parlay his sitcom fame into a music career? I don’t blame you if you don’t but it really did happen. Joey got a Gerardo makeover and then got all tough on the playground. Nothing scares other men quicker than a rapping sitcom actor playing on some monkey bars. Step off, indeed.

McFly,WTF?????????????

I love, Crispin Glover and all his peculiarness but even I can’t understand this mess. And why clowns? Is this why he dissapeared for awhile. To write songs about clowns and such?

I was always a huge Miami Vice fan and I confess that I did buy this 45 but I also bought some Leif Garrett albums so shut up. I really wanted him to find my heartbeat, at the time. And what’s with the video, I don’t know what they were going for. A fashion show during a war with some crazy bike riding gangs? It was the 80′s and a crazy time so who knows. Enjoy.

Uncle Jesse Joh Stamos filled a room with candles and brought us this touching tribute to his tv family. All he needed was a Beach Boy and a room filled with candles. Let us not forget the bed wrapped in gauze and sexy hair. How could you not love all the head banging and hair flipping around. Let me dry my eyes.

Finally, a role she can sink her teeth into. Ummmmm…..but probably shouldn’t. Literally and figuratively. Who knows what is going on in this girls head. But whatever it is has nothing to do with rehabilitating her career or getting healthy. She seems intent on going out in a blaze of glory. And not the kind I remember from Young Guns 2. Although I will confess to totally freaking out with my bff just to see Jon Bon Jovi in his cameo roll for a total of 8 or so seconds. Good times.

 I’m not saying that it wouldn’t be a hell of a roll to play.  If you know anything about the biography of, Linda Lovelace, it’s pretty traumatic. But she tool control of her life and spoke publicly about the dark side of porn. Like there’s a pretty shiny rainbow side of porn. And then she died in a car accident.

It just seems like a pretty pretty risky bet to wager on an actress who seems completely detached from reality.

I’m sure the powder on those shoes are totally legal. But even if that was talcum powder or some kind of pressed powder, would you not notice it? I’m sure Coco Chanel would tell her to check in the mirror and take off one accessory and wear unpowdered shoes.

She was recently fired from one movie and I’ll guess we’ll just have to see how long she makes it through this one. So long as she doesn’t end up in jail or worse. C’mon, you know it’s only a matter of time before we see a tragic headline or she ends up on  VH-1 reality show. Kind of the same thing.

Who do I have to kill to get frisked?

Seriously, I was watching this last night and got a huge urge to throw on some lame and sing show tunes. Beware or your sons may start wearing pink shirts. But on a serious note, stop twisting the bible to promote your hate, assholes.

Is this really what religion is about? This is one of the major reasons I abandoned religion and became more, “Spiritual”. I don’t want brain washed people telling me who I should hate. And if we are going to condemn people, let’s all start with the people who are hypocrites.

George Alan Rekers is a good place to start.

George Alan Rekers, a prominent anti-gay activist who co-founded the conservative Family Research Council, was caught returning from a 10-day trip to Europe with a male escort he found on Rentboy.com, which is exactly what it sounds like.

[UPDATE: The escort now says Rekers is indeed gay, and that Rekers paid him to perform daily nude body rubs during their European jaunt. "It's a situation where he's going against homosexuality when he is a homosexual," the young man told the New Times, adding that Rekers -- who repeatedly asked for a move he dubbed "The Long Stroke" -- ought to divorce himself from his many anti-gay associations.

Rekers has a new explanation for the trip. "I deliberately spend time with sinners with the loving goal to try to help them," he said in a statement posted on Facebook.

The Miami New Times promises more details and a profile of the escort, whom they codenamed "Lucien" but whose identity has been revealed elsewhere.]

Not to worry, Rekers told the Miami New Times, which broke the story: He claims he learned his 20-year-old companion was a prostitute only midway through their trip, they had no intimate contact, and he hired the young man only because recent surgery means “I can’t lift luggage.”

This seems highly dubious, not least because the New Times reporters spotted the retired professor pushing his baggage cart through Miami International Airport. It would be extremely difficult to stumble upon the Rentboy.com homepage, which features young well-muscled men rubbing each other’s crotches on grainy video loops, and not figure out what the site means by “rent boy.”

I personally think that guy is more dangerous than a tv show.