Ok, not sure what the deal with the flipped picture is but it’s upright in my folder. My computer can barely stand the excitement of being all synced up to a new iphone. But this is us. Do we not make a happy little couple. I know most people think it’s pretty lame to wait a few hours for a phone. I get that.

But, do people not also wait and even camp out for Grateful Dead tickets? Don’t you also have to wait to get on a damn rollercoaster? Sure you do unless your JJ Walker. Dynomite. That joke would have killed in the 70’s. Let that just just marinate for awhile and then it will be as my friend STM always says, “Hilarious Prime”. 

My point is, people wait crazy amounts of times for shit they want. Like Furby’s or Tickle Me Elmo. And sure it is stupid. Yeah, duh. I could easily wait a few weeks and get one without the wait. Or I could just order it at the store and wait a few business days. I’m not a complete idiot. Just 75% idiot. The other 25% is a combo of beer and coke zero. But it was pretty fun to wait in line. We have a pretty fun crowd with us. And by us I mean me and my bff. I know I’m too old to use that phrase, but I did. 

Originally the plan was for the 8 gig. But almost around 4 hours and finally at the head of the line. Well, 4 people ahead of us. The ATT helper person or whatever came out and said the words I dreaded. We’re out of the 8 gb phone. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Son of a bitch. 

My friend was ready to pack it in. But I looked at her and couldn’t believe my ears. Do you think those dudes at the battle of waterloo got across the Potomac and told George Washington, we’re late, lets just go home? I know that’s not the right battle bitches so don’t judge me. I’m just telling a story. Oh, Napoleon. I know my history. I watched Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

My point is this. I was NOT going home without a damn phone. So I ended up with the white 16gb. And it is a little piece of heaven. I do regret report that in all of this joy and debauchery there was a casualty. I hate that someone was hurt in all this. Aside from my checkbook. As happy I was to get the fun new Iphone. I had to say goodbye to my old friend. My blackjack 2 was a faithful companion and had many fabulous functions. But the usb connection was accidentally broken when a 3 year old yanked the cord out.

It just made it impossible to charge and I couldn’t download anything on my phone. I had a back up battery and charger but what good is it when you can take pictures but can’t put them on your computer? It was sadnessprime (feel free to use that STM). As they activated my Iphone, my blackjack was deactivated. I never even got to say goodbye. But fear not. Blackjack will live again. He was sold on ebay for a pretty penny and is not living a lovely life in Brazil. I used the money for my Iphone fund. 

And that is the very true story of how Iphone and I came to be as one. I know in a couple of months there will be a newer and grander Iphone or Blackberry. But this one is mine and I love her. I just need a name for her. That’s because I like to name stuff. Probably one of the reasons I have 4 kids. I came up with a name and figured I should have another baby so I can use it. 

Here is a picture of soup. And another recreating me calling her to beg for her recipe.

My grandmother has this habit of not sharing her recipes. It took me nearly a year to figure out her sofrito. Which tastes so yummy over rice with some carne. Ay yi yi. But I’m still trying to figure you her chicken soup. It’s more like a stew then a soup and has a whole chicken cut up, squash, no carrots or celery, and other stuff. But you also pour it over rice and it’s ddddddd lish. I think it’s something along the lines of Asopao de Pollo.

 But anytime I try to get it out of her she always gives me. “Ohh, quina, I put in a little of this and a little of that”. My grandparents always call me Quina. I have no idea what it means. 

Anywhoooooozzle, I’m finding similar recipes but not quite what I’m looking for. I’m sure there is a sofrito base in there as with many Puerto Rican recipes. There were probably some bouillan cubes as well. I’m telling you that not even the CIA could pry her recipes away from her. 

Let me tell you a little something about my grandmother. She was schooled at a convent and is super old school. She has a whistle she takes with her on walks in case she ever runs into, and I quote, “Dat man a cheee a wchaant to rchape me.” She’s Rican so she rolls the r’s a lot. And when she curses it’s hard to make out what she’s saying. Ju stooped house. I’ve decided that means you’re a stupid ass. And she likes the wine. So I’m going to say there was wine in that recipe. More in her glass than in the pot but it’s probably in there. 

I’ve been finding similar recipes and trying to change them up. Nothing is close. I just want some stinking Rican chicken stew so I can pour it over my rice and enjoy with some plantanos fritos. What’s a girl gotta do to get a recipe?

I’m now one of those people who talk about their pet. But look at that, it’s so cuuuuute. Nacho has taken himself a lady friend and the fact they are from two different worlds matters to him not. Sure she’s full of fluff and doesn’t return his affections. He still loves her, or him. I’m not sure yet but if he see’s her lying around he mounts her and tries to give her his man love. I’m not sure if she enjoys it or is just humoring him. 

I’m really proud that even though he’s small in stature and his girlfriend is much bigger than himself. He’s man enough to not let it bruise his ego. He’s still too small for being fixed but as soon as he’s old enough, snip snip. He already thinks our shoes are his foe and attacks at his leisure. I don’t also need him to try and make love to my feet. No way that guy could work a whole leg without falling off. He just can’t help it. He’s half chihuahua and his latin lover side just takes over.

There’s my Nachos Grande story for the day. Keep on humping Nacho.

I’ve aquired two new additions to the family. I’m working on getting the picture of one of them. She’s just too fast for my camera. Luckily the other one is too slow. Announcing Mr. Nachos Grande. He’s one full pound of love and friskiness. I saw an ad for him and couldn’t resist his cuteness. 

Originally his name was Mr. Justin Timberlake. But a few family members thought it was emasculating enough that he looked like a girl dog without humiliating him more. Gahhhh. So after more consideration we’ve named him Nachos Grande.

His favorite things are; Fighting with shoes, waking me up at 4 am, running around in circles till he falls, and my favorite, pretending to lick your face and then trying to eat it off. He’s the Hannibal Lechter of puppies. He’s small but he’s scrappy. 

I have a new phone since my other one is just not performing up to my standards. And yes, this is like my fourth this year. I’m hard to please so be aware, Blackjack 2. Don’t disappoint or you’ll be like the rest of my phones. I thought about getting a different Blackberry but found out you need to have a separate texting plan. Something about having their own server. I smell conspiracy. So that was a no to me. I will not be ripped off, damnit. I settled on Blackjack 2 even though I wanted an Iphone. But I was afraid since like most other Apple products, they don’t play well with other programs. I have a mac but every other computer in our home has Windows XP. Yes, I said other. Like 6 total.Don’t even ask. But if you ever feel like checking emails while you’re in your, “office”. We also have wireless. Just don’t tell me about it afterwards. Keep that information to yourself.It’s a pretty sexy phone and I have yet to figure it all out. It looks pretty dummy proof so far. But Samsung has not met this dummy yet and I’m sure I’ll get confused. Everything seems pretty easy to find and it’s so shiny and has a wheel. The pics are pretty good but it’s still a camera phone. 

Either way, here is a picture of Christian Bale. He has nothing to do with my phone but it makes me happy. 

You know what’s great about those things? You can capture your random moments and share them with others. Weather or not they care to see them. So I am going to share a few random moments of my life with you in picture form. 

I don’t know why I found this interesting. It’s an energy drink called, Old Glory. And for those of you who want the most hyperactivity for you bucks. This tasty drink is only .99. I have no idea if it is really tasty or not as I am too scared to try it.

I also wonder if anybody else has come across Old Glory in their super caffeinated drink isle? Sorry, Ol Glory. I added a d so that’s my bad. I would like to think this is the type of drink our forefathers would be proud to drink if they could time travel. It does our flag proud. I toast to you, Ol Glory. I will be toasting you with my sugar free Rockstar, unless you also come in sugar free?

 This one I like to call, Zombie. I was out of town for work and was thinking the bathroom lighting was especially harsh. But then the bedroom lighting was pretty dim. I had no idea where to apply my make up. I could either end up looking like a clown hooker or a zombie. I chose wrong becuase I ended up looking like a zombie and what’s so wrong with clown hookers?

Apparently headbanging is timeless. Rock you like a hurricane came on and 2 of the 4 went nuts. My son asked me if I’ve ever heard of this song because it was on Guitar Hero 3. Yes, yes, my child, I have heard of this song.

He then said, “Ohhhh, I didn’t know it was from your time”. I shared with him how back in my times we didn’t have any fancy mp3 players. We had cassette tapes and after a few weeks your cassette player would eat it and you’d be screwed out of 12.99. Now how will you listen to Bon Jovi? At least it was better than having to put pennies on your record player needle.  

The littlest of the 4. He’s striking quite a fierce pose. I guess I need to work on my lighting technique. And you can’t tell but he’s also got quite the little karate kick. He’s had no formal training. He’s completely self taught. True story. You should see my shins.

  .   

 That’s the kind of coffee break I’m talking about. I don’t have the kind of job you take coffee breaks. But don’t we all need coffee breaks in this crazy journey we call life? And with only 14% alcohol, you can still walk a straight line and close that big business deal.

 So pretty much, nothing that exciting but it seemed exciting at the time, hmm. could it be I’m not as exciting as I think I am? Noooooooooo. Surely you jest. 

  I logged on and thought I had just come to my front page. But, alas, I was featured. FEATURED! I’m not sure exactly what I was featured for but I hope it wasn’t for the biggest dummy award. 

I’m also assuming there is no check since I’ve not seen one in my mailbox. Of course it wouldn’t be that unusual. Let me tell you about my postal lady. She likes her cigarettes and sometimes if she doesn’t feel much like it, she will not put the packages on my door. She just leaves the yellow, “We missed you”, card in my box. I just say, “You put my mail in and drove away.” I complained once but I could tell they probably were laughing at me once I left.

 I’m just telling you guys, I do not have a long drive way or anything like that. It’s totally doable. Now I need to wait a day to pic up whatever crappy junk I won from ebay. GAAHHHH! That’s for my mail lady and for ebay always sucking me in.I can’t even tell you the amount of things I’ve gotten in the mail and thought, it looked way bigger in the picture.

 Plus they always kill you on the shipping. I get the packaging and all that business. But 25 bucks for shipping a pair of jeans? Bite me.  I get so excited at the thought of buying some Rock and Republic jeans for 60 bucks, I miss the 40 dollar shipping price. I completely went somewhere else in my head there. I digress

. Back to something. Before my postal lady rant? MY AWARD! You just have no idea how exciting it is to me. It’s almost as awesome as that, “Commie™”, I won this week. You know what I’m talking about, Hags.  I never win anything. I know people say that all the time. But I really never win anything. There was that one time I won some raffle at the school dance. It was just a free pizza at Dominos. And I didn’t deserve it because someone just handed me the ticket. I was unworthy of my pepperoni pizza, but I still ate it.

 I don’t even win at bingo. And to those in charge of featuring random blogs, thank you so much. I will be sure to keep up the randomness that occupies my medulla oblongata. I think you will find I’m full of it. 

PS, why does my stupid mac not allow me to make paragraph’s? It’s really irking me but I know not the ways of the mac.  

Ultra Tech 3000, Bargain Beaver Vibrator; Do you really want to skimp when it comes to the big, O? And the caveat really made me chortle, “please note that any ”bargain-style” product will almost always be constructed from moderate-quality components. Oh my, where exactly are they getting these moderate quality components? I hope they don’t contain any lead.

Karma Sutra Pleasure Balm; It reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld. “Who told you to use a balm?, Do you know what a balm does”‘ “Nobody knows what a balm does”. I don’t think I can use a balm now because I can’t be sure exactly what will happen.

Men’s Waterproof Pleasure Smoke-Wand; What the hell, it smokes? That and it looks like a jack hammer. I don’t know if I were a dude if I’d like that near my p-spot. And how can you be sure it’s, “Waterproof”. Do you want to be the one who gets the faulty Smoke-Wand and is found in the bathtub with a pleasure wand up your bum? What would your mother say?

First Timer Vibrators; Hell to the no. This thing looks like, Hello Kitty. I do not want to put something near my lady business that looks like a childhood friend. It looks so innocent and cute. How could you look at it and then kill it in the face like that? You monsters.So, now I’m in no better position than before but I sure have had fun. And I think I would like to name vibrators as a job. The crazier the name, the better it will sell. Enjoy your; “Bang A Dong, Get It On, Vibrator”. It’s, simply irresistible. That one is for the fans of the 80’s. 

I guess I could go with a dinner and a movie? It’s not as fun as my basket full of, “Discreetly packaged”, goodies. But, I should have a back up in case someone is not interested in anal ease or booty wipes. Ungrateful.