Of course. Dead men tell no tales. So it goes a little something like this. Drop all the little people off to school. Husbo drives me to the hospital and really, not much waiting. I was prepared to wait mucho time. OMG there was a tv but I had to use my fingers to change the channel. What is this, a third world country. NO REMOTE. I’m having surgery people. That was my line for most of the day.

You expect me to make breakfast, I’m having surgery. You just never get to use that too much in life so I thought I would milk it for all it’s worth. The doctor comes in and chats with me. The husband person was out in the hall taking a work call. I’m having surgery here, take a message. Gahhhhhhhhh, do I have to die here to get some attention?

We discuss and finally my life partner comes back. Next up is the anesthesiologist. I’m sure I spelled that wrong but it’s too late for me to google. I’m tired, I’ve had surgery so cut me some slack. Oh, nice.  I have a new phrase, I like it.

He puts something in my iv and it’s all puppies and rainbows. What’s happening people, hoooollllaaa. So I decided to do a before picture. And once I get my bluetooth working I’ll up it to my mac and then will have to transfer it to this laptop. This stupid laptop has no bluetooth and not enough memory to download it directly from my, Blackberry. LAZY! You’ve had no surgery, what’s your deal?

Anyways, I decided that the best time to take my farewell uterus pictures is when I’m all drugged up. That’s what it must be like for Coutney and Britney. I now feel like I’ve walked a mile in their shoes so I can mock freely.

They kick the husband out and I’m pretty sure he got back on the phone as soon as he left. He has a, Treo. I hold it against him. And pretty much after that it’s all blackness. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I’ll take a pee break here and continue my tale.

Noooo, wait, I do remember being wheeled in to the surgery room and them telling me I had to shimmy to the operating table. WTF. I do remember my last words. “Wow, that table is pretty thin, what if my big butt falls off?” Fade to black. I’m pretty sure I was strapped in.

I wake up and the husband is not on a call but watching tv. awww no phone call, That’s true love people. I don’t remember much of our conversation but I did ask if this was my permanent room. Let me tell you, I had some bad gas. What’s with that. Did I mention the two enema’s I had to do before surgery? Surgery isn’t pretty. I’m just breaking it down for you.

I noticed an itch in the nether regions. I was completely bald. It was a drive by shaving and I was not prepared for it. I’m glad I was unconcious for that business. That’s a sucky job. Now I have to maintain that. Thanks a lot for that.  I’m going to get lazy and it will get itchy. Oh well.

I was on the demerol and was pretty itchy. I had one of those buttons to push. I was pushing every hour on the hour and sometimes twice. Did you know that drugs constipate you? It’s true. Constipated and gassy.

So I made it and as soon as I get my sexy before and after pictures, I will post. Oh yes, I got the after too. I have no shame. Weeeeeeeeeeee, I’m alive and free a uterus, ovary, and, tube.

The only thing is now I have no excuse for the pms and chocolate cravings. What else can I blame eating a tube of cookie dough on?